Should you go back to work? If you don't, can you survive financially? And if you do, will your baby be happy? Mums talk about their choices and how they cope.

 

Oh, isn't that a bit soon?" Pukekohe mother-of-two Rebecca McKernon winces when she hears another judgemental comment about putting her three-month-old daughter in childcare and returning to work full time.

But Rebecca, a business development manager, says she made the best decision for her family, for both financial and career-related reasons.

 

Thousands of Kiwi women face this huge dilemma each year: if, how and when to return to work after becoming mothers.

In this story we ask experts and parents about the most common concerns raised by parents. Mums share the reasons behind their work-related decisions and tips about making going back to work easier.

 

What's my bottom line? What's really important for making the decision?

For Rebecca, it was family finances. "We've got no family here. It's financial. We have a lifestyle to keep up for my older daughter's sake. We have quite a high mortgage as well.

"People think we've come over from the UK and so must have lots of money, but that's not the case."  Rebecca, 36, says she and her husband want to be able to continue planning family outings every weekend and for older daughter, Annaleise, six, not to miss out on the swimming lessons and cheerleading she loves.  Other women weigh things up and realise their career will suffer if they take too much time out. 

 

Auckland mum Kelly Reid says this influenced her decision to return to work three days a week as a Plunket nurse when her son was six months old.   "I thought that I couldn't get what I wanted from being at home, both intellectual stimulation and keeping my professional skills up to date."  Kelly, 23, ended up moving on from nursing, using what is already a time of transition to launch her own business that helps women find mother-friendly jobs.  Kelly's business, www.jobsformums.co.nz, is a web-based forum putting employers in touch with mothers who decide not to automatically go back to their former work, and who are wanting a family-friendly job.  "A lot of mums are having to go back to work but most aren't keen to maintain a full-time position. They want a job that pays for their skill level but where they can still prioritise their family over their work life."   

 

Some mothers decide being at home with their children is their utmost priority.  Christchurch parents Hinewai and John Ayers agreed that Hinewai would be a stay-at-home mother years before daughter Elizabeth (now 20 months) was born. Hinewai says one of her most treasured childhood memories is coming home from school to a welcome from Mum. John works full time as an architect and Hinewai, a former fashion store manager, does not plan to return to work while a mum to young children.  "I want to be at home to mould and develop my children, to help them be the best they can be," Hinewai, 39, says.   "I used to love coming home from school and Mum was always there. Even if you had something to eat and then rushed straight out to play, just to know Mum was there – I think that helped a great deal."

 

Hinewai says she misses staff at the store she managed, but has no regrets about her decision. "I thoroughly enjoyed my career to the absolute ends, but now I just want to put that enjoyment into my family. I loved meeting people and helping them, and of course the fashion was always good. Funnily enough I don't miss it. I'm just over malls and things like that."

 

Do I really need to go back for the money?

In reality the answer for many women is yes. A recent Little Treasures online survey of 3300 parents showed nearly three-quarters of women (74 per cent) went back to work (or if pregnant, planned to go back to work) for financial reasons.

 

Overall, 77 per cent who did return to work said they would have delayed their return if money wasn't an issue.  Kelly, whose husband Stephen works for The Warehouse, says the six months she took off was about the limit.  "It was a bit tricky for us living on one income. We could manage for six months but it was always the focus that I was going to go back to work."  Some families make sacrifices so it is possible for them to live on one income.

 

Amanda Viedma-Dodd, who is working full time as an osteopath while her husband stays home with their baby, says money is a constant challenge.  "Obviously I make okay money to be able to support us all at the moment, but we do things like we used to spend a ridiculous amount of money on coffees, so we bought our own coffee machine. We're renting. Ideally we would get into a house sooner rather than later but that's not our priority at the moment."

 

Hinewai acknowledges that she and John are in a better position than most as they managed to pay off their mortgage before becoming parents. "We're both budgeters from way back and we've paid our house off. We also used my part of my mother's estate to pay a lump sum off it. I would give anything to have my mother alive and still be paying the mortgage but we always say she must have something more important to do where she is."

 

Christchurch financial planner Sheryl Sutherland, who specialises in women's finances, says returning to work has some costs associated with it, namely childcare, clothing and transport, but they pale in comparison to the costs of being out of the workplace. Estimates are that for each year a woman spends out of the workforce it takes five years to recover lost income, replace savings for retirement and to regain her place on the career ladder.  "It has been calculated that a woman who gives up business travel, training and promotions to spend time with her children may sacrifice as much as a million dollars over her lifetime," Sutherland says.

 

Sutherland recommends women have a savings backstop of six months' income before they take maternity leave. However, she acknowledges that very few do.  "Unfortunately people tend to live up to their current income. And particularly in the current environment we're seeing people using credit cards to pay bills and things like that."  She says a savings backstop would mean women who are used to having their own money could still "buy birthday presents and get your hair cut; the things that make you feel good."

 

Will I be happier if I'm working?

Some women, of course, just can't stand not clocking in each day. Nearly one in three women who took part in the Little Treasures survey gave the reason "because I enjoy working" for their return from maternity leave.

 

Amanda Viedma-Dodd says the day she went back to work after three months off she could hardly stop smiling.  "I came back home so happy," she says. "[Osteopathy] is interesting. You get different kinds of problems or you might be the last resort for some people. Trying to work out what to do for them is real fun for me."   Amanda says her husband Gary supported her through five years of university and knows how important her career is to her. He is more than happy to be the one at home with the baby now.  "He knows how hard I worked to get my degree. And he enjoys being at home. For me I don't know how I would manage being at home. (This arrangement) just comes naturally to us."   Psychologist Sara Chatwin says that in this generation of mothers many women define themselves by their career.  "It's important for them to get back to work – for many it's an economic reality – but also to feel fulfilled."

 

Sara, who has four children, says women also have the double bind of wanting to do the best by their children and often end up feeling guilty about working.  "Women are inclined to guilt, but what helps them get through that is if they are organised. If they feel their children are being well looked after and they have the people and systems in place that allows their children to have a good life, they feel less guilt."

 

Will my old job still suit me?

Some women realise the work they were doing pre-baby is no longer a good fit for their new life.

North Shore recruitment professional Arifah Wright returned to her full-time job when son Lucas (now 22 months) was one. But she found the stress of her position finding nurses and other fill-in staff to cover 24/7 shifts was too much.

 

Arifah, 31, says she was taking the stress home and it was affecting the whole family. "It was hard-going and really quite stressful. I was coming home shattered but I still had this little person to look after as well. My limit in terms of dealing with stress and pressure had changed."   She eventually found another job in the same industry but with a different company and in a less pressured role as an admin-istrator. She still warns other mothers that it takes time to build up the stamina to work an eight-hour day again after being at home, particularly five days a week.

 

For many, full-time work will no longer be the priority, or they may want more family-friendly hours. In some cases, it should be possible to negotiate such flexibility with your employer.  In fact, the right to request flexible working arrangements became law in July last year. Equal Employment Opportunities Trust chief executive Philippa Reed says women should familiarise themselves with the legislation "so that they know what they are entitled to ask for".

 

Anyone who cares for a child can request arrangements such as flexi-time, work from home, job-sharing and part-time hours. Employers can only say no on "recognised business grounds", such as if the change would cost the company too much or affect work quality.

Reed says women should think about any problems flexible work could create for the employer and try to find a solution so the employer is less likely to turn the request down.

Will my child be okay in childcare? What will I do if he's unhappy?  Leaving children in childcare can be  a huge wrench for parents who worry about whether they'll be happy. But Early Childhood Council head Dr Sarah Farquhar says they can be reassured that most children love childcare because of the extra stimulation, new experiences and new relationships.

"The opportunity to be with other children is really appealing to littlies because often in families there are only two children. They want to try everything. They want to copy the other children. It's really quite an exciting time."

 

Sarah has herself taken up a full-time position only in the last few months and has had to find care for a two year old, as well as after-school care for older children.

For things to go smoothly, she recommends shopping around for childcare and starting early to allow for a decent settling-in period. Parents should also make sure their child is in a stable sleeping and eating routine and does not arrive at the centre tired or stressed.

On rare occasions, she says children do feel a more-than-transitory distress at being left with someone other than Mum.

 

"For children who aren't used to being left, it can be really stressful for parents, teachers and the children too. A longer settling-in period is needed with Mum there so that the childcare centre can become more like the child's family and so that the child can see that these teachers are actually Mum's friends."  She says danger signs that your child is not coping are not necessarily crying or distress, but withdrawal.

 

"If you arrive and your child is just sitting there and is socially withdrawn, for example a baby who doesn't put her hands up to the teachers or an older child who's not playing with the toys, you need to talk to the teacher and find out what they're like the rest of the day."

In cases where the child is really not coping, parents may need to re-evaluate whether that particular childcare arrangement is right for them and may need to start all over again finding a place and gradually getting their child settled.

 

Rebecca McKernon wanted the transition to childcare to be as easy as possible for three-month-old Brooklyn. She slept on one of the baby's blankets to give it her scent and dropped her at the childcare centre with the blanket and  a couple of familiar toys.

She says Brooklyn, now seven months, cried when she was first handed over, but otherwise Rebecca feels she was so young it did not really register. Rebecca says people's judgements of her decision have been much harder to deal with than the actual transition to childcare.

"I've had a lot of comments because she's so young. And it has been very, very hard for me handing her over. We had the stress of getting her off my boob on to the bottle as well. Because she wouldn't take expressed milk from the bottle she had to go on to formula. I felt like I had let her down. But she's such a happy content little girl."

 

Is there any age that's too young to be left in care? Child development expert Professor Anne Smith, from Otago University's Children's Issues Centre, says no. "Ideally we should be like the Scandinavian countries with paid parental leave until the children are a year but that's not the reality here. Provided children are able to get a place in a high-quality centre, it will do good rather than harm."

 

Parents can tell if a childcare centre is high quality by looking at certain key attributes, she says. These include:

• Staffing ratios (lower is better)
• Group size (under-two year olds cope better in groups smaller than 10, under-six year olds in groups of 15 to 20)
• A low rate of staff turnover
• A high level of staff training

 

"People tend to think that for small children training doesn't matter but there's a heap of research that shows people who have good training are likely to be more responsive, to understand how to provide stimulation and encourage learning."

 

The need for training is equally important if people use home-based carers. Parents can check on both childcare centres and home-based care organisations by reading their Education Review Office reports (online at www.ero.govt.nz).

 

Some families get around the need for formal childcare by calling on extended family. Kelly Reid's mother looks after her son Christian two days a week, while she makes do on the third day working at home on her business.  I feel nervous about returning to work. How can I gain confidence?

 

Sharn Rayner, from return2work, an Auckland-based company that runs one-week courses for women, says confidence can be a huge issue for women who've had a career break (www.return2work.co.nz).

 

She says women need to sell themselves and learn to appreciate the transferable skills they have picked up being home with children – skills such as time management, delegation, diplomacy and listening skills. "Those skills are really applicable in the workforce," she says.

 

The return2work course, currently running only in Auckland costs $650 and includes how to prepare CVs, what roles and salaries women can expect, testing to determine strengths, and a make-up and wardrobe advice session.

 

Similar courses are run free for single mothers by the Chamber of Commerce network and Work and Income.

 

Joanna Davis is a Christchurch journalist and is a mother of two

 

As seen in Little Treasures magazine, www.treasures.co.nz